I Never Bought a Female Shit


Undated (2016): Like how I was reeling today right.  Fucked up.  See these walls get to talking to me from time to time, cuz I be thinking MF’s must think I’m a goofie.  Or a lame or something.  Then I ponder like I’m really am. 

See cuz today I was promised a visit from someone close to me.  She ain’t a family member but I consider her family cuz I’ve known her for seven years.  I was freakin this girl 4 years straight.  We’ve been through a lot.  Shit we been through it all.  So it’s easy to say my love for her can’t be measured. 

Tomorrow the bitch birthday.  She turn 21.  Me, I’m 22 but I’ll be 23 Dec 7.  Now it’s not something I’m proud of but I can honestly say I ain’t never bought a female shit.  Well a card and beer some chocolates, liquor and weed that’s it.  And guess who got that?  Her.  But here I am in JAIL not having shit but manage to spend $130 on this girl for her Bday.  It was my way of doing something special for her 21 bday.  I had someone (her friend) order some edible arrangements for her.  Some chocolate strawberries, and roses to be delivered to her crib in the morning! She not even knowing what I got planned, but I can’t even get a visit that was promise to me.

Guess I am a goofie huh?  Cuz its been a whole year since I seen her.  Damn near two.  She don’t write me anymore or nun.  However she ain’t my girl though so it ain’t like she owe me.  But people can’t seem to care about a nigga in jail.  I was so in my feeling I called a bitch I don’t even know but talked with her sister (who also just fell out the care with me) to express myself cuz the “birthday” girl wouldn’t even answer the phone!

So I used her money/talk time to call Yasmine.  She uplifted me a little and explained to me that I can’t be stuck in Dahvie world.  The real world goes on so I got to understand things can’t go my way (even if its been 20 months of this same shit) basically making excuses for people but more or less she right that’s why I’m not mad nor do I regret my decision.  I’ll forgive but I can’t forget.  So when I come home I will be shittin on people like they did me.  Depends on how much support I received from the individual determines how bad I treat em.

HW Response: I just…I’m so sorry, Dahvie.  I just can’t imagine how isolating that must feel.  How much that must have hurt.  When you care about someone so much, and you can’t give them a ton, but you give them everything you can.  You’ve been through so much together, and she doesn’t come to visit you.  It seems to me that in this journal you’re hurt, sad, angry, and I think that makes a lot of sense.  Ugh. 

This just really puts into perspective for me how isolating jail must be.  I have to imagine that when people this close to you just disappear on you, you just must feel really alone in the world.  Which, like, that can’t do anything good psychology-wise.  We need those strong relationships so much.

SL Response: Yeah.  But I’m so hot and cold about it.  I just get in my feelings sometimes, she don’t owe me shit and she just a shorty anyway.  It is what it is.  If I wasn’t locked up, I wouldn’t give a flyin fu--.  Honestly I cn say I didn’t know isolation till now! Some people weak in the world, I’m only sometime weak in jail!  No love lost though.