Destroying the Ego


Savage Thoughts (undated): I wrote this one day in my feelings.  This is some deep shit.  It’s sad to say how a man ego can determine his outer feelings for his spouse (meaning how he treat her physically).  But it can never change his feelings for her on the inside.  Now its hard to decide which he should listen to.  The mind or the heart.  The mind bein the outside.  Heart inside.  Though the ego will destroy the man if he isn’t wisely in understanding of himself. 

Everything the outside has to offer is only for the eye.  World riches and happiness.  Everybody gets to see the outside.  The outside is quickly judged.  The outside tricks the mind.  No one can see the heart.  Only a heart sees the another heart.  I must stay focus on her heart.  Cause my heart sees her heart and it’s a beautiful sight.  My heart never seen another heart before.  My heart only knows one other heart and it belongs to her. 

But my mind.  My mind only see her for something else.  Something plain.  Something deceitful.  Something my ego doesn’t get along with.  I can’t choose which is the truth.  Which be the best for me.  Now a man becomes a man when he learns to control his emotions in every and all situations yet with her in thoughts.  I become a child with my feelings bouncing all over the place.  I’m not comfortable with this.  So I must destroy these things.  But I can’t.  Is it jail talk nah I doubt it.  I will try harder though.

In all honestly I wish we never or I never became to this with her.  Her life would be better and mine easier.  What would it be with never having knowledge of one another.

If the feeling is mutual then when was it ever real?  Yes always real in the mind but ever real in the heart?

My plans, ambitions, dreams are beyond average.  Thoughts can’t be compared.  Things must be done for me.  But what about her.  Why a new, when she deserve to see me at my best, why replace her for a new when her flame will go out to.   Then what do I do keep juggling like a kid again.  Move backwards so keeping her seems fair. 

The mind says she’s not fit.  She isn’t ready for my world.  The old world she’s accustom to.  The old world she adores.  My new world will not be her choice.  Then the heart fails.  No need for it anymore.  Toss hers away.  But my heart says where her heart goes he will follow cause that heart is the only heart he could ever know and hearts belong together

So let her heart go.  Let it find another to be happy.  Then ego comes in, never!  That will never happen.  Ego a selfish motherfucker.  Ego is the problem here.  Not her.  Ego is the emotion not her.  Ego must be destroyed not her.

Damn I love my ego.  It’s a big one.  But I love her.  She and my ego don’t go together I have to pick.  Destroying my ego will make me lessor of a man?

Wisdom says so.  Makes me more of a man cause I’m free from its control, my mind doesn’t believe it though.  Besides, I need her more than ego right now…so what do I do?

HW: I read through this a few times, to let it sink in and to really give myself to contemplate all of the different facets of this.  You bring so many things to the table: the head vs. the heart, self-sacrifice, emotional vulnerability, willingness to change (or lack thereof).  I think that presenting as ego vs. heart on this level is so profound, especially since you have the added heartache of the separation in jail. 

Two things I definitely know about you is 1) You have big dreams and plans and 2) You’ve been betrayed in the past by people you love. I can definitely understand why your ego and your heart would be at war like this with that in mind. You want to love, but you don’t want to be hurt…and you don’t want to hurt her, an idea which really tugs at my heart.

I’m going to focus on the aspect of self-sacrifice, mainly because this topic has come up in my conversations a few times in the past couple of weeks.  It seems everywhere you turn, people don’t make sacrifices for their relationships. On the surface, it seems people do what “feels good” for their ego and the minute that it stops “feeling good” they give it. 

I wonder sometimes if, deep down, that’s because people don’t know how to make sacrifices.  I mean, if someone never saw their parents making sacrifices for each other, how would he or she ever know how to make sacrifices for their significant other

I was extremely blessed by the witness of my parents who were willing to make sacrifices for each other: one example is that my father gave up his dream of moving to a new home for my mother, who wanted to live close to my grandparents.  This helped me be able to give up a job I loved so that I could move with my husband down to Mississippi.

My father-in-law has a story that made a profound impact on me. He tells of a coworker (who was married with kids) who was really struggling to get along with his wife.  My father-in-law asked the guy: “Would you die for your kids?” And the guy responded: “Of course.” So my father-in-law asked: “So why can’t you die to yourself, every day, so that you can have a stronger relationship with their mother?”  It gives me goosebumps to think about that.  Imagine how much ego you have to give up for that…damn.

SL: So die every day for his kids, by gainin a stronger relationship with the mother??

HW: Yeah, sorry, I dumped a concept on you that doesn’t make a lot of sense if you haven’t heard it before, sorry!  Dying to yourself is pretty much not letting your ego take charge.  It’s putting people you care about above yourself—doing what you don’t want to and not doing what you want to do for other people. 

Of course you don’t do it for who abuse you…in relationships the hope is that both people are giving things up for each other, “dying to self” for each other.  Like I think the best example is when someone has kids.  I believe that you have to do everything for your kids.  You go to work every day for your kids so you can provide for them, give them a good place to live.  You check up on what they’re doing at school, make sure they’re doing homework, and help them get involved in activities they like.  You teach them lessons about how to love people, how to be smart, disciplined, how to make good choices. 

You have to give up a lot of personal desires for kids.  Like sometimes you come home tired, but that kid needs your attention and love.  And sometimes your spouse/significant other might be annoying you but you support him/her because the kid needs them, too.  That’s dying to self every day…choosing your kid over your ego.

SL: Aw ok.  True.  Your kids is totally worth it.  Lol believe both parents have to support each other for they kids sake!!