Abandoned

 
a real somebody.jpg
 

HW: In this post, there wer just so many ideas, so many feelings.  I cut it up like this so I could respond to everything.

Savage Thoughts (Undated 2017): Jail destroyed a lot of relationships.  I guess since people who is free life is consistently movin and changing throughout time causes a drift.  Them movin in one direction and you just stuck in one place.  You can’t catch em unless they let you or slow down for you.  That’s exactly what jailing with somebody do slow you down/hold you back.  Is that true IDK.  I’m just writin and thinking.  …

HW:  This is actually pretty profound. I was thinking a lot about this.  I’m moving around a lot with the military so the dynamics of my friendships are changing all the time.  Although this is tough, at the same time, they’re changing and I’m changing.  It’s a two-way street.  It seems to me that, for you, it’s a lot like you’ve been frozen in time.  Everyone else is changing but you aren’t.  That’s tough because you need those relationships.  (SL: Exactly!)

SL: … I been locked up a couple times before.  A year was my longest before this case.  My team of female companions was stable.  …

HW: TBH your phrase about “My team of female companions” was tough for me to stomach.  Like are we talking romantic relationships?  To be fair, though, I used to be flexible about my relationships, seeing a lot of guys…but stopped doing that.  For me, I wanted to give my love to one person.  I wanted to be loyal to just one guy, love that one guy.  I’m so glad I did that, because it meant I could give my whole heart, my whole self to my husband.

SL: … A lot of my lady friends was rocking hard, but this one girl.  This one chick outweighed everybody. Our bond was the deepest.  I couldn’t understand why she was so into me.  Yea we had history.  We was a couple.  It was us against the world at one time.  Sad to say I hated that shit. Why, I can’t explain.  Maybe I didn’t believe it was real. …

HW: Wow.  I can tell that what you had between the two of you was really important to you.  I can kind of understand why you would say you hated it (although tell me if I’m wrong though).  It’s like you really cared about her, so it’s like you’re vulnerable to her. (SL: True).

SL: …Whatever, my problem was I should’ve cherished it, cause that shit dead now. IDK if it’s the fact of my charge bein so serious or me as a person.  Cause I see now they just given up on me.  They left before the fight was even over.  Women don’t know loyalty.  They know stability.  …

HW: “Women don’t know loyalty.  They know stability.”  I just…can you imagine how hard that is for me to hear?  I dunno. (SL: Women.  Average Women only want security, love them emotionally, provide financially let them feel secure, then nothing else matter not even good dick.  If they believe someone else can provide these things they gone.  That’s average women I’m speaking about!  Not all, but def most!) I know a lot of military wives whose lives are insane (not stable) but they stand by their men.  I was just talking to a good friend of mine who stayed loyal to her man over a deployment.  I really strongly believe that there are a ton of women who are fiercely loyal to the people they love.  Maybe you’re talking out of anger though?  I don’t want to be too hard on you because I know this is tough for you.  (SL: Of course it is!  Any you right, so right.  That’s what I’m lookin for.  Understand the females I come across, females I know.  You write you from a whole other world.  You was raised different.  I’m from where bitches, hoes, sluts really exist!)

SL: … I was out there in my glow, couldn’t pay a bitch to stop jockin, now a nigga get bumped they actin phony now…whole time they don’t even know, I’m still me but x’s 2.  I know when I get out, my car gonna be faster, my money longer, and my girl badder.  Over thang!  But I can’t never trust her.  I’m scarred.  One girl messed it up for everybody. …

HW: At the end there…one girl messed it up for everybody…that’s hard.  Having that trust build up, maybe for the first time, and then having someone betray that trust, that’s just the worst possible thing.  I had a really close guy friend.  We weren’t dating or anything but we went through some tough times together.  Out of nowhere he ended the friendship. (SL: Cuz you didn’t give him some SMH)  Wouldn’t even talk to me.  Learning how to trust again after that…that’s the hardest thing in the world.

SL: …And my level of thinkin ain’t the same.  I’m much more smarter way more determine.  I don’t even get mad no more.  I just smile and laugh it off cause I know how I’m coming.  They know how I’m coming.  They just don’t believe I’m coming.  People tell me be grateful for who and what I do have but I’m a king.  I’m used to more.  I deserve more.  I want more.  This writin I’m doing only came to be cause of what I’m missin.  If I had what I suppose to have I wouldn’t have to write, cause I’ll be chilling. …

HW: I totally agree that you should have more than jail.  You do deserve more than the life you’re living.  (SL: This about me havin more in jail too!) But I guess my question for you is...what does ‘more’ look like to you?  What are your dreams for a better life?  I’m just wondering because I bet it’s so different from what I want in life. (SL: I want the best in life.  I want to be able to travel wheneva whereva  I want to be able to afford what ever I want, I want my own family.  I want to leave something for my family when I leave.  I want to impact the world.  Have a school named after me, a hospital, my own island.  I want my name to forever live on.  My presence forever remembered. )

SL: … A any ol body wouldn’t be able to understand this.  Probably thinking WTF is he talkin about.  Let me make it simple.  I went from The Man on the Block.  The go-to-guy.  The life of the party.  A real somebody to a fucking inmate in a county jail with 50,000 wanna be ass niggas. A beggin ass, dependin  on the next person to send me $, to getting fake treated by nothing ass hoes or lied to for no reason, flat out a nobody.  That’s how I feel like fuckin nobody (Even though I don’t act like it cause it will never be true).  I still feel like that. …

HW: I can see how tough that would be.  This paragraph actually painted the picture really well for me.  You had everything, well, that is to say, life was good for you.  You knew your world and you were doing pretty well in it.  And then that’s all taken from you and you’re living literally the exact opposite life.  That must be so tough.

SL: … My life is frozen still.  I’m missin out on sooo much man, damn.  20 years old they snatched me out my glow.  I’m 23 now man this shit lame as hell.  Lol I sound like a lil bitch right now lol.  Nah I just need some new down to Earth in tune with self, pretty and smart female friends.  I’m tired of these fake ass badd and bougie wanna be ass ran through that bitches.  On L’s they say you are what you attract well I’m done being a dog ass nigga.  I be torn in between the two.  Staying a savage or tryna change up. It’s hard to decide.  I really need help.  What do I gain.  Man fuck this shit.

HW: “You are what you attract.”  That’s profound.  That’s super deep.  I had to stop and think about that for a while.  Like, you are the kind of people that want to hang around you? What and interesting idea.  I’m going to take a closer look at the people I attract.  Maybe that’ll tell me something about me (to be honest, most of the people I hang out with are Catholic moms, so I feel like that’s really appropriate). (SL: This is definitely a proven fact.  Whether you believe it or not.  You know the sayin.  Birds of a feather flock together.)