Disloyalty

 
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Savage Thoughts (undated):  My Rabbie bitch ass aint load the phone card up yet.  That shit blowing me.  Knowing I aint got no way of getting through on the phone sometimes.  Cuz for some reason way beyond my understanding people (my people) seem to make adding $25, $50 on they phone account impossible.  WTF is that? 

You don’t have to go nowhere, pick the phone up and dial the number punch yo debit card # in and wah-lah!  That’s it that’s all nun more nun less but it’s obvious that I can’t pick up the sign can’t catch the hint.  They ain’t tryna talk! (ain’t lie that shit fuck with me and it hurt my feelings.  Yea I said it—feelings)!  Didn’t realize I had em till I got locked up!  I’m like real emotional in here. 

Not on some soft shit cuz a nigga want know it.  But self.  Only self can say now I feel.  And I only keep self to self.  But anyway I know a mf don’t give me nun so how can I get mad at people for how they treat me when I was treatin them my damn self?  Only my ego and pride makes me wanna go crazy stunt flex finesse everbody when I get home but deep down I know it’s my fault.

But disloyalty is unforgiven so I will be turning my savage up when I get out to da max!  Seem like a person only there for you whenever it’s beneficial for them.  Cuz when you cut them lights out that’s when you can see who really got yo back.

HW: Wow, there is just so much going on in this journal entry. I really get the sense that you feel  isolated and betrayed, which might be up there for the worst feeling in the world. 

I’m trying to understand their mindset: why they would just leave you hanging like that. It’s cold to say that they’re only there for you when it’s beneficial to them, but it might be close to the truth…what I mean by that is that they might care about you, but you’re kind of out of their life right not.  The needs that are right in front of their face might be taking the front burner and they might see that as more important (not that I 100% agree with them, I’m just trying to understand). 

It’s tough when you’re left hanging with literally nothing. The line: “but deep down I know it’s my fault” cut my heart.  It just emphasized for me that there’s a ton of hurt on both sides.  I pray for forgiveness between both sides—I know you say disloyalty is unforgiven, but I just hate to think of you wasting your time when you’re out getting revenge when you could use that time to do other things that are so much more valuable.

SL: You right, out of sight out of mind.  Sometimes I expect too much from people.  It wouldn’t make sense to go home and seek revenge, but I’m not no bitch don’t play with me or don’t play me.  I can be vindictive.  So if the opportunity present itself then it is what it is.